Please note: all italicized text is where I made modifications. Original text is in [] following.
UC San Diego Admission
Dear loser [me],
I don’t really care [regret to inform you] that the Dean of Graduate Studies has determined that you are too stupid [not approved your application for admission] for graduate study in the Bioinformatics Program at the University of California, San Diego. Just to be nice, we’re rejecting you twice… the real letter is in the mail. [An official letter has been mailed to your home address.]
A number of factors contributed our decision to reject you [are considered in evaluating each applicant] including, the fact that you were a mediocre undergrad [a student’s undergraduate preparation], your lack of intellect [scholarship average, and requisite test scores]; the fact that none of our professors want to work with you [whether the research interests of faculty are relevant to those of the applicant]; and the fact that letting in someone like you would ruin the university’s reputation [whether an applicant can be accommodated by the department to which application is made].
Unfortunately, it is not possible for the University to accept all that apply and each department must screen applications carefully to find the best qualified students. For this reason, all retarded [many excellent] applicants such as yourself must be denied admission.
I sincerely hope that you will be able to further your academic training at another institution should any be willing to accept a hopeless case such as yours.
Sincerely,
Graduate Admissions Office
Office of Graduate Studies and Research
University of California, San Diego
La Jolla, CA 92093-0086